One Man Band
by cat'n'mouse
Summary: Desperate times call for desperate measures, and after the invasion of Pein, a bankrupt Konoha had no choice but to invest in a new business: the beginning of a band. Warning: utter stupidity.


**Warning: complete stupidity, total lack of plot in general, and more stupidity. Lack of editing and unnecessary idiocy is also in order.**

**Facts are probably completely wrong and mixed up, but then again, this was junk to begin with.**

**I warned you.**

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.<strong>

* * *

><p>One Man Band<p>

_Summary: Desperate times call for desperate measures, and after the invasion of Pein, a bankrupt Konoha had no choice but to invest in a new business: the beginning of a band. Warning: utter stupidity._

* * *

><p>"Itachi," Madara strode into Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame's shared room as if he owned it, "Have you heard about Itachi?"<p>

Itachi looked up from his kunai, which he was sharpening, and allowed the smallest hint of confusion to penetrate his eyes, "Of course."

"Strange."With that, the older Uchiha marched out again.

"No, I didn't mean you, I meant _Itachi. _Are you _Itachi?_"

Seconds later, Madara was back again.

This time, Itachi spared him a 'you've lost your mind' glance. "There is only one Itachi. And I am Itachi."

Out-of-characterly, Madara scratched his head, "Are you sure? My sources are extremely reliable and I'm sure that they saw you on a guitar. Do you enjoy singing, Itachi?"

By now, Itachi was sure that Tobi was merging with Madara.

"No."

Minutes after Madara has left, Kisame sat up from his bed.

"Did the old Uchiha just question you on whether you were Itachi or not and then asked if you enjoyed singing?"

Itachi didn't even look up from his precious kunai. "It would appear so."

"Huh, looks like old age is finally catching up with him."

-0-

Silence washed over the stadium, darkness surrounded the stage. The audience held their breathes and waited for the show to begin.

Back stage, Naruto was doing last minute preparations.

"Kakashi-sensei! Are you sure that this is working?"

Hatake Kakashi smiled through his mask, "Of course. After Pein destroyed our village, we need the money, and it is only right that Akatsuki repay us in _some _way."

"You think so?" Naruto was still doubtful, after all, no ninja village has ever held a concert before.

"Just go do it."

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Naruto marched his Itachi, Sasuke, Sasori and Hidan clones on stage.

-0-

The fangirls' screaming were deafening, but of course, that was understandable. Both Itachi and Sasuke were singing shirtless today.

They didn't even need to open their mouths, all Naruto had to do is walk them out and the girls would be fainting due to nosebleeds, and throwing money onstage for the next show.

Naruto would never admit that Kakashi has good ideas. Konoha was going to become a bank at the rate this is going.

Hidan opened with a drum solo, Sasori played twelve keyboard keys at the same time with his chakra strings. Itachi slammed on his guitar, and Sasuke took out the microphone.

The blond manipulator backstage wanted to laugh his ass off at the sight of Sasuke singing.

Silence enveloped the stadium once more as the band, known as Akatsuki, started on a love song. The fangirls were crying, believing them to be the target of Uchiha Sasuke's hidden love, and Naruto was beginning to be peeved at how his skills with music were instead seen as more Uchiha talent.

All well, it's all for the good of Konoha..

-0-

Kabuto frowned as he spotted hoards after hoards of squealing girls heading towards the village hidden in leaves. Orochimaru-sama must be informed about this, Konoha could be planning on releasing a banshee attack on Oto and the snake master would never be able to defend himself against fanatic girls.

Kabuto knows; he has seen with his own eyes what had happened to Sasuke when he accidentally stepped into a girls only spa.

But first things first, he would see scout out more information, and Orochimaru-sama will be extra pleased.

Not knowing exactly what he was getting into, Kabuto dove nose first into the crowd.

-0-

Madara shoved two tickets under Itachi's nose.

The younger Uchiha stared at the prints on the paper.

"Tomorrow, at six o'clock, in that empty clearing just east of Konoha. Take someone with you and go."

Itachi didn't react.

"This is an order, Itachi. You need to see this. Those Senju tree huggers have completely lost it.

Kisame swung Samahada around in a wide arc before performing a combo that would've crashed his victim alive had it not been Itachi. Unfortunately for the shark, the Uchiha was more than capable of predicting the direction of his sword and dodged easily.

"You never offer to spar with me." Kisame begin another combo as Itachi made handseals, "What is it?"

"We have a new mission."

"And that's why you wanted to fight?"

"No."

Kisame swore that he'd never understand any of the Uchiha. Madara was losing his sanity – actually, the man probably had none left anyway, so Kisame didn't know what exactly he was losing – and Itachi… Itachi had the most unique way of thinking.

The prodigy probably had his own reasons. Itachi always had reasons. But they could easily be as obscured as the man's real motive for murdering his clan.

Kisame dodged a low kick and cleared his head. A fight's a fight. There's no reason to over think it.

And then Itachi aimed a fire jutsu at him, forcing the shark man to dive, and then poked a kunai into Kisame's back.

"You lost. Come with me. We're going to a concert."

Kisame cursed as Itachi dragged him away.

-0-

Kabuto was almost smothered in the sea of fangirls. Worse, a group of fan_boys_ had mistaken him for a groupie and got him to wave one of those 'We Love You Sasuke!' banners while yelling along with a ridiculous cheerleading routine.

At least he managed to find out exactly what Konoha was doing. Plus, he managed to buy a few semi-naked Uchiha photos from the fan-art shop to the side, and there is no doubt that Orochimaru-sama would like them.

He'll never understand why the snake sannin loved Uchihas so much, but then again, he wasn't a pedophile with an obsession with the Sharingan. Orochimaru must have his own reasons.

Sneaking out the bathroom window with his 'We Love You Sasuke' banner left behind, Kabuto escaped the fanatic hoard that was now screaming for a chance to hi-five Itachi's hand.

-0-

Orochimaru was surprised at Kabuto's news. Pleasantly surprised, but still surprised. A chance to see Itachi and Sasuke naked? _Of course_ he wasn't going to miss that!

Kabuto had a feeling that his master was going to blend right in with the Uchiha fanboys.

"Sasuke, come." With a satisfied smirk, the snake man called for his soon-to-be-vessel. "Let's investigate what Konoha is up to now."

"I'm not going. I need to train." Sasuke tried to leave, but Orochimaru managed to wrap that disgustingly long tongue of his around the Uchiha's arm. Sasuke cringed. _Ew._

"Not even if Naruto happens to be behind something extremely destructive and frightening in nature and rapidly gaining power?" It wasn't technically a lie, because fangirls and boys are the most frightening and powerful species in the entire world, of course, Sasuke didn't know that.

The rogue member of Team Seven paused, considering Orochimaru's words.

"Fine."

-0-

"Itachi, _what the hell is this?"_

Hoshigaki Kisame was not impressed.

"Why would they impersonate _Hidan, _but not _me?"_

_-0-_

The stadium was going wild. The concert had reached its climax, and the audience was enticed. Completely and utterly hypnotized.

Money was rolling in Konoha's gates like flood water, especially when Sakura began selling her pictures of the younger Sasuke, taken during one of her many stalking sessions. Kakashi was grinning behind his mast, Naruto was beaming a every-tooth-visible smile, Rock Lee and Maito Guy was shining their teeth like miniature suns and Tsunade was up in the clouds.

The Akatsuki band was quickly winning the hearts of boys and girls worldwide, and Itachi was not pleased.

-0-

_Remember to breathe. _Sasuke reminded himself, taking in the unbelievable scene and desperately controlling his rage. He would not let Orochimaru – who seemed to be enjoy himself immensely, he noticed, and cursed the pedophilic snake under his breath – see his weakness and use it against him. He will take revenge against that _stupid, stupid _Naruto later.

He _will _take revenge later, even if he has to massacre the entire crowd to do it.

Thinking of the crowd, he scanned his gaze across the sea of blonde hair, brown eyes, black hair and Mangekyo Sharingan, memorizing their faces and taking a note to avoid –

Holy Sh*t. _Black hair and mangekyo Sharingan?_

Killing intent flooded the stadium.

-0-

"Hello, foolish little brother."

-0-

The fangirl and boys were silent, even the Naruto controlled band was silent.

And then a shrill shriek broke the awkwardness.

"Oh my gosh, there are _two _of them!"

"Off stage as well! This must be a service to the fans!"

-0-

Uchiha Sasuke and Uchiha Itachi readied themselves for battle. Sasuke formed a tiger seal for his famous fire jutsu and –

The ocean of fans attacked.

-0-

Orochimaru nodded self-satisfied-ly to himself. He was correct in his analysis; fangirls are truly the most frightening of them all.

* * *

><p><strong>NA: Holy God. I cannot believe I wrote this.  
>Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Must remember to actually write something worth reading, instead of sitting in front of a laptop for twenty minutes and typing up the most ridiculous piece of ****, without even bothering to proof read.<strong>

**Forgive me for my ranting. I'm in a bad mood. **


End file.
